On Shadow

[prydeful]

It's weird to wake up and be solid.

Piotr's arm is over her, which sometimes happens even if she's phased, but the bed is also solid beneath her.

It's just--

It's weird. It's only been a few nights, and she's telling herself she'll get used to it.

It's not bad, anyway, she reminds herself as she gets up and heads to the bathroom, uses the toilet and splashes some water on her face.

She stops to look in the mirror for a moment, studies the Kate Pryde who's studying her back, and thinks, You could be pregnant and feels a little sick to her stomach.

She needs, maybe, Kate thinks, to not think about that in the middle of the night. There are too many ways to get lost in her own thoughts, alone.

When she heads back to bed Piotr's stirring slightly in his sleep; it makes her bend to kiss him, softly, drift a hand over his hair, and whisper a shhh that may wake him more than let him sleep, but is still meant for comfort.

Comments

[prydeful]

"It's weird," she whispers after several moments. "To be like this. To touch so much. To be so here. I'd forgotten."

Her hand settles on her stomach, drifts over it, and she bites her lip.

[steelartisan]

"Is it bad?"

[prydeful]

She's silent for a minute, looking for the words.

"I don't know. It's strange. Not--not hard to sleep, but it feels strange when I wake up. Different. It's strange to open the toilet's door instead of phrasing through it. I just--I had forgotten. All of it. All of being like everyone else."

[steelartisan]

An unavoidable thought: the millions of depowered mutants. Their own friends -- Jubilee, Dani. All of being like everyone else.

But this is different.

He doesn't draw her closer, but he doesn't pull away either. Just holds her, and listens.

[prydeful]

"It's just been a couple days. But it's--"

Kate stops and sighs, curling more into his side after a minute.

"It's just kinda hard." Not harder than she thought. She knew.

But it's hard. Like not smoking, not drinking. All her vices given up at once.

The thing is that she sort of feels like she has to give up her virtues, here, too.

[steelartisan]

"If I can help..."

I know isn't precisely true. Though he can guess some of it.

I'm sorry isn't exactly true either.

But I'll help, any way I can -- that is.

[prydeful]

It's nine months, she almost says.

I can't do this.

This is too hard.

It's not fair.

I don't want to.

They're all true, but none of them are all the truth, and so she sighs and kisses his shoulder again.

"Don't think so. This seems--I think this is one I'm stuck with on my own. I can do it." That last bit is sharper than she means it to be, and so Kate winces and murmurs, apologetically, "Sorry," as she reaches out to take his hand.

"It's just--it's weird. Because we don't know. Any minute--I--you came in me earlier. I could be pregnant now." And there's hope and terror both in that statement. "But we can't know. So there's not--there's no relief. No breaks."

[steelartisan]

"I know you can."

"You are so strong." And that's just loving.

He wants to make this easier for her.

(I could be pregnant now, she says, and his heart tries to leap and constrict at once.)

He wants to, and he can't. So he does what he can, which is to thread his fingers through hers and stroke back her hair, and be here for her.

[prydeful]

"You're really biased," she mutters, but she's smiling a little as she looks up at him.

Reluctantly, but smiling.

"I just miss it already," Kate says finally, after a pause, and feeling young for saying it. And selfish, but it's the sort of selfishness she wants to keep her right to.

[steelartisan]

"I'm still right." He's smiling a little too.

And then "I know," he murmurs, and for that he's serious.

He doesn't know exactly what it's like. But he knows -- of course he does -- that it's hard, and it hurts, and she misses what's been thoughtlessly natural since she was thirteen.

[prydeful]

"Maybe." She's not going to say he's wrong.

She doesn't actually say anything after that, just looks at her boyfriend instead and after a few minutes of silence starts to stroke his hair.

"I lived without it for thirteen years. You'd think I could get used to not phasing again without a problem."

Except for how you really wouldn't think that, if you knew her.

"M'still trying."

[steelartisan]

Twelve years of phasing is a long time, too. Almost half her life.

He doesn't say that. But they both know it.

"It will get easier." Just about everything does, sooner or later.

[prydeful]

"Maybe."

She's not sure of that.

Kate's quiet for a moment before asking, "What if it doesn't?"

[steelartisan]

"Then we will deal with it. Together, Katya."

[prydeful]

"We don't have a 'how' for that one, though, Piotr."

It's just whispered, as she studies their blanket.

"What if I slip?"

[steelartisan]

"You will not." He brushes light knuckles over her cheekbone, studies the pooled shadows of her face in the moonlight. "You are too stubborn."

"We can only try," he adds, softly. "Everything in our lives is full of maybe and if. We have always known that. And so we will deal with what comes. But we will try -- do our best -- and we will make it work."

They're both stubborn. And neither one of them's ever mastered the skill of paying attention to the odds.

Sometimes ignoring the odds is a good habit to be in.

[prydeful]

"I'm just--one slip, Piotr. And we might not even know what it could do. One slip and we might stop it before it's had a real chance to start."

I'm scared she doesn't say and she's saying loud and clear both.

"I know. We'll try. I do know. I just--I keep thinking. About everything."

[steelartisan]

Piotr nods. She can feel the motion, whether or not she can see it clearly; all the same, he adds, "I know."

And the thing is -- he can't say don't worry about it, or it'll all be fine. Because these fears are rational, and they have been all along, and she knows it.

(He's scared too.)

[prydeful]

"I just have this image. Of me forgetting. Just for a minute, and phasing into the shower, or letting a shirt drop. Something stupid. And then--"

And then everything.

(Her hand has crept back to rest on her stomach.)

"Sometimes I wish we were normal," Kate says finally, tiredly.

[steelartisan]

Piotr is silent for a few moments, breathing slowly in the darkness. His hand slips over her ribs, the silky fabric of her pajama top, to lace with hers over her stomach.

"If you are not..."

"We could always wait longer. You could get used to it more gradually. If it would help."

[prydeful]

Kate doesn't answer that.

Or not in words, anyway. Not immediately. Just turns her head so her face is pressed against his neck and sighs.

"I'm always going to be scared of this," she whispers finally. "Thank you. But I don't--waiting won't make it better. And it won't change what we have to do in the end. What I have to do. And what happens if I slip."

She's switched to Russian along the way without realizing it.

"We want this. You and I both do. I am just--"

And then Russian, English, or Shi'ar, it doesn't matter, because she can't find the right words. Just shrugs, and closes her eyes, and turns her face into his neck a little more.

[steelartisan]

Piotr strokes her hair slowly in silence, holding Kate close against him.

That, at least, he can do, and there's comfort in it.

[prydeful]

"I am scared of your face if we lose our baby and it's my fault," Kate whispers finally.

[steelartisan]

Piotr's hand stills.





"I know you will love our child as much as I will," he whispers, after a long slow breath. That's just fact to him, clear and utterly certain. "No matter when. No matter what. You will be a good mother."

"I could never blame you. Because I know that. You will work as hard as anyone could to keep the baby safe. You are even now."

"If we -- if it happens. For any reason. We will both grieve, yes." He doesn't even want to contemplate the idea. But they have to; it's there, and much too possible to ignore. "No matter why or how. And I will love you no matter what happens, Katya."

"I believe in you."

Not in her infallibility. They're both human. They've known each other for eleven years; he's seen her fail and seen her at her worst, just as she's seen him.

But in her strength.

In her determination.

And in how far she'll go, what she'll do, for the people she loves.

[prydeful]

"Sap," is what Kate whispers after a minute.

But she's smiling, a little.

And her fingers lace a little more with his after a moment, and she holds his hand a little more firmly.

"The not-knowing scares me the most," she admits after a minute.