On Shadow

[prydeful]

It's weird to wake up and be solid.

Piotr's arm is over her, which sometimes happens even if she's phased, but the bed is also solid beneath her.

It's just--

It's weird. It's only been a few nights, and she's telling herself she'll get used to it.

It's not bad, anyway, she reminds herself as she gets up and heads to the bathroom, uses the toilet and splashes some water on her face.

She stops to look in the mirror for a moment, studies the Kate Pryde who's studying her back, and thinks, You could be pregnant and feels a little sick to her stomach.

She needs, maybe, Kate thinks, to not think about that in the middle of the night. There are too many ways to get lost in her own thoughts, alone.

When she heads back to bed Piotr's stirring slightly in his sleep; it makes her bend to kiss him, softly, drift a hand over his hair, and whisper a shhh that may wake him more than let him sleep, but is still meant for comfort.

Comments

[steelartisan]

Piotr's breath hitches slightly, and then smooths out in a sigh as his head turns into her hand.





It's a minute or so before his eyelids flutter, and open slowly. Half-awake is the best word to apply here, in the silent midnight of their borrowed bedroom.

[prydeful]

"Hey, baobei."

She smiles a little bit to realize the Mandarin slipped out without meaning for it to, and leans over to kiss his forehead.

"Dreaming?"

[steelartisan]

Piotr mumbles something that sounds like agreement, his face softening into the faintest of smiles at her kiss, and scrubs a hand over his eyes to wake up a little more.

He was, but the dream's already slipping away into incoherent, misty half-memory. It's the kind of dream he's glad to let fade.

One hand lifts to smooth her hair. "You're awake?" He's not awake enough yet to be paying any attention to what language the words come out in, and so it's Russian.

[prydeful]

It's easy to slip from one tongue to another with him.

It's something she loves, and hasn't been able to do with another lover. Not with as many as she can with Piotr. Not so naturally.

"Da." There's another kiss to his forehead, and she smiles gently down at him.

"I needed the bathroom."

And then she needed to stay in the bathroom and think for a while.

She woke up solid. And they're not using protection. (Haven't needed the pill, with the infertility bit, and now--now the condoms aren't exactly a concern.)

And--

Well, she needed to stay in the bathroom and think for a while.

She's still smiling, though, and continues in Russian since he's started in it.

"Want to go back to sleep now?" She's climbing back under blankets as she asks, smoothing them about both their bodies as she settles.

[steelartisan]

"Mmph." He rolls sideways as she settles, wrapping a loose arm around her waist.

"What time is it?"

Sleep's an option.

Sleepy-but-awake cuddling is an option too, and he's about equally split between the two at the moment.

[prydeful]

"Middle of the night, sleepy." That's gentle, as she lets fingers trace across his skin.

"Got distracted and now I'm awake, but you don't need to be."

[steelartisan]

"'s all right."

He leans in to kiss her, drowsy but smiling.

[prydeful]

She doesn't know if he--

It's weird. The sheet's not phasing through her wrist. Her hair's not drifting through his shoulder.

It's natural for everyone else and utterly bizarre for her. But now--

Now they have to be careful, and all that goes through her mind in the space of his kiss.

It means she needs a moment before she kisses him back, but she tries to make up for the delay with enthusiasm.

[steelartisan]

That moment's hesitation pulls him a little more awake, though, even as his hand spreads against her lower back in appreciation of the kiss.

(Part of his mind's noticed: every time he's touched her tonight, he's connected. The sheets and mattress are a tangible presence, every minute. He's not used to that being true, not consistently so, when he's with her.)

[prydeful]

"It's weird," she whispers after several moments. "To be like this. To touch so much. To be so here. I'd forgotten."

Her hand settles on her stomach, drifts over it, and she bites her lip.

[steelartisan]

"Is it bad?"

[prydeful]

She's silent for a minute, looking for the words.

"I don't know. It's strange. Not--not hard to sleep, but it feels strange when I wake up. Different. It's strange to open the toilet's door instead of phrasing through it. I just--I had forgotten. All of it. All of being like everyone else."

[steelartisan]

An unavoidable thought: the millions of depowered mutants. Their own friends -- Jubilee, Dani. All of being like everyone else.

But this is different.

He doesn't draw her closer, but he doesn't pull away either. Just holds her, and listens.

[prydeful]

"It's just been a couple days. But it's--"

Kate stops and sighs, curling more into his side after a minute.

"It's just kinda hard." Not harder than she thought. She knew.

But it's hard. Like not smoking, not drinking. All her vices given up at once.

The thing is that she sort of feels like she has to give up her virtues, here, too.

[steelartisan]

"If I can help..."

I know isn't precisely true. Though he can guess some of it.

I'm sorry isn't exactly true either.

But I'll help, any way I can -- that is.

[prydeful]

It's nine months, she almost says.

I can't do this.

This is too hard.

It's not fair.

I don't want to.

They're all true, but none of them are all the truth, and so she sighs and kisses his shoulder again.

"Don't think so. This seems--I think this is one I'm stuck with on my own. I can do it." That last bit is sharper than she means it to be, and so Kate winces and murmurs, apologetically, "Sorry," as she reaches out to take his hand.

"It's just--it's weird. Because we don't know. Any minute--I--you came in me earlier. I could be pregnant now." And there's hope and terror both in that statement. "But we can't know. So there's not--there's no relief. No breaks."

[steelartisan]

"I know you can."

"You are so strong." And that's just loving.

He wants to make this easier for her.

(I could be pregnant now, she says, and his heart tries to leap and constrict at once.)

He wants to, and he can't. So he does what he can, which is to thread his fingers through hers and stroke back her hair, and be here for her.

[prydeful]

"You're really biased," she mutters, but she's smiling a little as she looks up at him.

Reluctantly, but smiling.

"I just miss it already," Kate says finally, after a pause, and feeling young for saying it. And selfish, but it's the sort of selfishness she wants to keep her right to.

[steelartisan]

"I'm still right." He's smiling a little too.

And then "I know," he murmurs, and for that he's serious.

He doesn't know exactly what it's like. But he knows -- of course he does -- that it's hard, and it hurts, and she misses what's been thoughtlessly natural since she was thirteen.

[prydeful]

"Maybe." She's not going to say he's wrong.

She doesn't actually say anything after that, just looks at her boyfriend instead and after a few minutes of silence starts to stroke his hair.

"I lived without it for thirteen years. You'd think I could get used to not phasing again without a problem."

Except for how you really wouldn't think that, if you knew her.

"M'still trying."

[steelartisan]

Twelve years of phasing is a long time, too. Almost half her life.

He doesn't say that. But they both know it.

"It will get easier." Just about everything does, sooner or later.

[prydeful]

"Maybe."

She's not sure of that.

Kate's quiet for a moment before asking, "What if it doesn't?"

[steelartisan]

"Then we will deal with it. Together, Katya."

[prydeful]

"We don't have a 'how' for that one, though, Piotr."

It's just whispered, as she studies their blanket.

"What if I slip?"

[steelartisan]

"You will not." He brushes light knuckles over her cheekbone, studies the pooled shadows of her face in the moonlight. "You are too stubborn."

"We can only try," he adds, softly. "Everything in our lives is full of maybe and if. We have always known that. And so we will deal with what comes. But we will try -- do our best -- and we will make it work."

They're both stubborn. And neither one of them's ever mastered the skill of paying attention to the odds.

Sometimes ignoring the odds is a good habit to be in.