On Shadow

[prydeful]

It's weird to wake up and be solid.

Piotr's arm is over her, which sometimes happens even if she's phased, but the bed is also solid beneath her.

It's just--

It's weird. It's only been a few nights, and she's telling herself she'll get used to it.

It's not bad, anyway, she reminds herself as she gets up and heads to the bathroom, uses the toilet and splashes some water on her face.

She stops to look in the mirror for a moment, studies the Kate Pryde who's studying her back, and thinks, You could be pregnant and feels a little sick to her stomach.

She needs, maybe, Kate thinks, to not think about that in the middle of the night. There are too many ways to get lost in her own thoughts, alone.

When she heads back to bed Piotr's stirring slightly in his sleep; it makes her bend to kiss him, softly, drift a hand over his hair, and whisper a shhh that may wake him more than let him sleep, but is still meant for comfort.

Comments

[steelartisan]

Piotr is silent for a few moments, breathing slowly in the darkness. His hand slips over her ribs, the silky fabric of her pajama top, to lace with hers over her stomach.

"If you are not..."

"We could always wait longer. You could get used to it more gradually. If it would help."

[prydeful]

Kate doesn't answer that.

Or not in words, anyway. Not immediately. Just turns her head so her face is pressed against his neck and sighs.

"I'm always going to be scared of this," she whispers finally. "Thank you. But I don't--waiting won't make it better. And it won't change what we have to do in the end. What I have to do. And what happens if I slip."

She's switched to Russian along the way without realizing it.

"We want this. You and I both do. I am just--"

And then Russian, English, or Shi'ar, it doesn't matter, because she can't find the right words. Just shrugs, and closes her eyes, and turns her face into his neck a little more.

[steelartisan]

Piotr strokes her hair slowly in silence, holding Kate close against him.

That, at least, he can do, and there's comfort in it.

[prydeful]

"I am scared of your face if we lose our baby and it's my fault," Kate whispers finally.

[steelartisan]

Piotr's hand stills.





"I know you will love our child as much as I will," he whispers, after a long slow breath. That's just fact to him, clear and utterly certain. "No matter when. No matter what. You will be a good mother."

"I could never blame you. Because I know that. You will work as hard as anyone could to keep the baby safe. You are even now."

"If we -- if it happens. For any reason. We will both grieve, yes." He doesn't even want to contemplate the idea. But they have to; it's there, and much too possible to ignore. "No matter why or how. And I will love you no matter what happens, Katya."

"I believe in you."

Not in her infallibility. They're both human. They've known each other for eleven years; he's seen her fail and seen her at her worst, just as she's seen him.

But in her strength.

In her determination.

And in how far she'll go, what she'll do, for the people she loves.

[prydeful]

"Sap," is what Kate whispers after a minute.

But she's smiling, a little.

And her fingers lace a little more with his after a moment, and she holds his hand a little more firmly.

"The not-knowing scares me the most," she admits after a minute.

[steelartisan]

"Da."

He can be comforting; he can hold her and reassure her, and mean every word.

But he's still nervous too.

There are so many what-ifs. So many, everywhere.

[prydeful]

Kate sighs and is quiet for a few minutes, listening to his breathing and his heart.

(He shifts under her. Tiny movements. She can't help noticing them still.)

"This is what we're letting ourselves in for, you know. A lot of nights of us both worrying. And that's before we actually have a child depending on us."

Her tone is more wry than anything else.

"I still want this with you," she adds, more softly. "That doesn't stop me. I think we're both nuts. But I've kinda known that one for about a decade, so it's not really a shock."

[steelartisan]

"Why grow sensible now?"

He's smiling, just a little and crooked, and his tone matches it.

"We are X-Men. I am not sure we're capable anyway."

[prydeful]

"That's an old excuse."

She leans in to kiss him once anyway.

"I'm happy with our choices," she adds, quietly, as she pulls back. "With this one."

His hand gets resettled more comfortably on her stomach.

"With us. It's good."

[steelartisan]

Tried and true.

"Good," is all he whispers, but he's smiling in the darkness, soft and warm and real, and his body is relaxed against hers.

[prydeful]

"Could try some more of the baby-making attempts," she muses.

"But I think you should kiss me either way. A lot."

[steelartisan]

Piotr laughs softly, and pulls her closer to oblige.

Kissing Kate is not exactly a hardship, here.

[prydeful]

"Mmm."

Her fingers thread through his hair before she smiles and kisses him once more.

"I'm awfully lucky to have you with me," Kate murmurs. "And grateful. My Piotr."

[steelartisan]

"We are both lucky."

Sometimes lucky seems the furthest thing from reality for them, and for their world.

And sometimes -- like now, as he nudges Kate's head closer to kiss her again -- it's nothing but the truth.

[prydeful]

"Dork."

One thing she appreciates feeling: his body, large and warm, under hers as she stretches a leg over him some more and thinks mine contentedly.

"Done panicking for tonight, I think. Feeling too content to."

[steelartisan]

Don't worry, Kate. There'll be other nights for panicking!

"I am glad to help," Piotr says gravely.

Contentedly. Whatever.

[prydeful]

Of that she is very, very sure already.

"You're good at that. Must be why I keep you around."

That and the fact that he is so very comfortable to turn into and to hold close.

"Love you, Colossus." And the codename is just another nickname, and old and familiar.

[steelartisan]

Colossus is as much his name as Pete, and both of those very nearly as much as Piotr Nikolaievitch; they're both him, old nicknames from friends, and it doesn't matter that Colossus is a business codename too.

So he just turns his head to press soft kisses to her jaw, smiling against skin, and it means I love you too, to Kate by any of her many names.

[prydeful]

"Mm. Sleep or sex?"

It's a lazy, slow drawl, as she leans into his kisses.

And it's one that is going to be content with either answer, and that fact--

That, she thinks, is why she wants to be with him no matter what. Wedding or no. To have a family with him.

Because just curling up with him is as lovely as anything else.

[steelartisan]

"Mmmm."

Both are tempting.

"Now I am awake," he whispers against her ear.

[prydeful]

"You are, da," she smiles and moves to nip at his neck.

"So am I. This works out well, maybe."

[steelartisan]

"Mozhet byt," he murmurs. Maybe.

It turns out, shockingly enough, that it does.

And any more fretting is set aside for another night. Tonight, at least, is for companionship and love.